I've devoted a lifetime to playing around with our language, and getting paid for it.
And although I haven't mastered the English language yet, I'm still at it.
Some readers, like Dixie Saucier, of Eunice, enjoy the language even when it's misused.
Dixie says, "I LOVE malapropisms! Here are a few heard locally and lately:
— "'I love your big new ring! Is it real?'
"'No, It is a cubic carcinoma.' (zirconia)
— "'She can't play bridge this week. She is in South America climbing Mount Mitsubishi.' (Mount Machu Picchu)
— "'I just got a new car! It has one of those fancy Cadillac convertors.' (catalytic)"
Acting lesson
"Nancy Stich’s fake BB wound in Thursday’s column reminded me of a similar brainless stunt I pulled at age 9 in the '50s," says Ron Sammonds, of Baton Rouge.
"I was a cowboy galloping my imaginary horse down a strip of grass while throwing a screwdriver, aka Bowie knife, at imaginary rattlesnakes.
"My dad was mowing our lawn 40 feet away when I heard the clang of the blade hitting a pebble and felt a minor sting on my back.
"In a wonderful impromptu bushwhacker death scene, I said, 'Oh, they got me!' as I spun around and fell to the ground.
"Not, of course, giving a neuron’s worth of thought to the effect on my father, who ran over and determined he was not impressed by my theatrics.
"My dad lived to 95, which I cannot take any credit for."
Armed and dangerous
"When I was about 10 or 11, I got a Daisy Red Ryder BB gun for my birthday," says Craig Cearnal, of Baton Rouge.
"My dad told me to NEVER shoot it at anyone — or else!
'One day my younger sister was rolling a plastic wheel off of some toy down the driveway and I was trying to pick off the moving target.
"She reached down to pick it up just as I took a shot, and was hit in the hand. She was screaming in pain just as my dad was driving up the driveway, coming home from work.
"He never said a word, but wrapped my BB gun around a pine tree. Problem solved!"
Safe from sliding
Jackie Carnes says, "I was telling a friend of mine 'of a certain age' some of the stories from your column about bench seats and turning sharply to get a young lady to slide over next to the driver.
"My friend's response was, 'All my girlfriends had Velcro pants!'"
Big tipper
Mariano Hinojosa says, "My wife Bertha, a teacher, presented a third grade student with a math problem.
"She handed him a jar of pennies and said, 'You want to buy a candy bar that costs 77 cents. Count the number of pennies needed to make the purchase.'
"When the lad's count reached 55, he stopped and said, 'Why don't I just give them a dollar bill and tell them to keep the change?'"
Flies and hawks
Elaine Babin comments on a recent Advocate article about the crane fly being mistakenly called a mosquito hawk:
"We called them 'May flies,' and the dragonfly was a 'mosquito hawk.'"
Paris, Kenner version
After a letter in the Saturday column about a large tower in Livonia being called the 'Eiffel Tower' by a youthful visitor, Carol Drouant says, "Kenner has an Eiffel Tower, too!
"Our granddaughter, Margaret, was visiting from Boulder, Colorado, for Mardi Gras when she spotted the power structures on Power Boulevard.
"She cried out, 'Grandma! You live by the Eiffel Tower!'
"Took us a few minutes to realize what she meant."
Reason to split
Loren Scott, of Baton Rouge, titles this tale, "Why divorces are so prevalent:"
"Marriage counselor: 'Your wife says you never buy her flowers.'
"Husband: 'To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.'"